I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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