My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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