Hey man sorry I got all grabby
This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
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