well I can't set my house on fire every night
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
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