I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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