why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
