as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
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