apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
i just google imaged poop.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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