dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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