My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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