sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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