even my farts smell like vagina
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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