Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Randomize
