the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
