If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Randomize
