She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
