I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
