dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Randomize
