Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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