you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
