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new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
