the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
