Is this a definitive no? All is forlorn? Such is fine, but i'm drunk and a sucker for concrete answers
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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