i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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