i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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