I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
