don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I smell like Dick and happiness
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