handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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