I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
