I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Randomize
