Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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