I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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