I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
