If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
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Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
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I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
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