what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
