i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
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