My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Semen is not good for contacts.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
