My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
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