At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
