one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
