My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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