Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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