There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
