and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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