Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
