shes about as inviting as chlamydia
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
