I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
