Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
