Your face is a jimmy john
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
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