i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
