i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
