Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
